Managing Separation Anxiety
Your child may love the idea of going to school, interacting with other kids, and learning new things. But when it comes to leaving you—their parent or guardian—they may experience stress or anxiety.
Not wanting a guardian to leave their side is a natural feeling for small children to experience; many adjust to their new surroundings within minutes of their loved ones (temporarily) leaving them. But if your at-the-door goodbyes aren’t getting easier with time, Parentalogic hosts Alok Patel and Bethany Van Delft are here to help.
Humans are wired for attachment, so it’s no wonder that children—who’ve spent the majority of their lives linked to their caregivers—can become whiny, irritable, or fearful when parents or guardians leave their side. These behaviors can start as early as 8 months. This is when children may begin to discern familiar faces from unfamiliar ones, growing wary of those they may not see on a regular basis. Children generally outgrow these feelings at around 3 to 4 years old, but every child is different.
Whether you’re dropping your child off at daycare, grandma’s, or a friend’s house, cooling down your little one’s separation anxiety is all about giving your child reassurance and a sense of safety. “Keep the goodbyes quick. Give your child your full attention and love, but keep it brief,” Alok says. “Try not to keep running back for hugs, even if they cry.” Implementing a routine may help: “Make a routine, keep it consistent, and let your child know when you’ll be back to pick them up,” Alok says.
In older children, separation anxiety can manifest in different ways. Though crying at drop-off may not occur as frequently as a middle-of-the-school-day stomach ache, feelings of anxiety or uncertainty may arise, stemming from the fact that their protective figure is no longer there. A child who’s uncomfortable with these feelings may behave poorly in order to get sent home. If these feelings are persistent and debilitating—perhaps your older child has missed several days of school—Alok suggests seeing a professional. “Cognitive behavioral therapy can help children learn to recognize their fear and anxiety, and manage it,” Alok says. “Then there’s exposure therapy, where you slowly increase the amount of time you’re spending away from your child.”
Whether it’s a shorter or longer period of time, the earlier children are exposed to the world, the sooner they’ll feel comfortable breaking free and heading out on their own, Alok and Bethany suggest. And this, they say, is a key step in helping your child flourish and grow.
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